A Pursuit of Proverbs 3:5-6

Matthew 10:16ing a Christian Message

2012-01-15T13:12:00.001-06:00

Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
Matthew 10:16

I've seen my friends post and re-post this video of poet Jefferson Bethke on Facebook, and for good reason. It's powerful. Bethke points out a monumental problem: loveless religion. His video brings our attention to the radical love God has for us, that He pursues us, that we cannot earn God, that we are called to love and not to judge, and that we should remember that our new life in Christ is nothing we merited, but from grace: a free gift from God offered equally to all people out of love. Without a personal relationship with Jesus, religion is empty.

The new life we have in Jesus really is completely different from loveless religion. Bethke said in his YouTube video description: "At it's core Jesus' gospel and the good news of the Cross is in pure opposition to self-righteousness/self-justification. ... Religion either ends in pride or despair. Pride because you make a list and can do it and act better than everyone, or despair because you can't do your own list of rules and feel 'not good enough' for God. With Jesus though you have humble confident joy because He represents you, you don't represent yourself and His sacrifice is perfect putting us in perfect standing with God!"

I almost reposted the video, too. But I couldn't. Something about it didn't seem quite right to me.
(And it was more than his misuse of the word "literally" at 3:46. – Sorry, everybody. I had to say it.)

It starts with his first, foundational statement: "What if I told you – Jesus came to abolish religion."

Actually, Jesus said: Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. Matthew 5:17
To say Jesus hated religion is misleading.

It gets murky because Bethke's meaning of the word "religion" can be misconstrued far too easily.

He means "religion" as a loveless, compassionless, merciless rule-following and system of earning love, following formulas to climb the rungs of self-righteousness (as opposed to freely accepting Jesus' life and clothing ourselves in Jesus' righteousness, which we have not earned). When Bethke uses religion to mean this, I agree with Him. True Christianity differs radically from our human propensity to fall into loveless religion and self-justification. And it is vitally important that we as Christians recognize this and turn our backs to this false religion formula. Bethke was absolutely right in saying that loveless religion is the disease, but Jesus is the cure.

This summary by Timothy Keller explains the radical differences between loveless religion and the Gospel.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-7

Bethke uses these differences to create a false dichotomy between Jesus and organized religion. For example: "Religion is man searching for God, but Christianity is God searching for man." Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Both parties search for the other. We need to be incredibly careful in how far we separate Jesus from "religion" (which is meant here to mean loveless self-justification, but easily also means the church and other organized religious/Christian groups, activities, and work).

I also get wary because early on in his video, Bethke uses three examples of religion failing to show God's love: religious wars, big churches instead of charity, and opposition to divorce. These are notorious criticisms and failures of the Catholic church.

The first really is a problem. Any sincere Christian who doesn't live under a rock knows that the heartbreaking reality is that humans very often use the banner of Christ to do terrible things (and stupid things, and irrelevant things). We know that is not God's will and purpose for His people. As true Christians, we oppose self-righteous actions, especially when they're done under the false banner of God.

As for the big churches: Building big churches in and of itself is not bad. Having resources and money is not a bad thing, in itself. Money is a powerful tool, and we are to use it to God's glory. The Catholic church has a greater focus on reverence and formality than Protestant denominations do. The Catholic church does have some doctrinal differences from other Christian denominations, but no denomination is full of perfect people. All denominations have their pitfalls they have to watch out for. But God speaks to different kinds of people in different ways. For many (for Catholics), it's important to show reverence for God through art and aesthetic beauty. God can speak through that. It can, of course, get misconstrued and become a distraction from God and service for His people. But big, beautiful churches full of art are not unGodly things by nature.

And it is a simple and common misconception that the Catholic church, or any big church, fails to feed the poor. A lot of the wonderful service done in God's name gets hidden by our fallen culture. Could big churches serve more, out of radical love? Yes, always! But service isn't commonly absent from big or ornate church buildings, as Bethke implies.

To his statement that religion "tells single moms God doesn't love them if they've ever had a divorce." This, too, is a heartbreaking reality of loveless religion: that anyone would tell another in God's name that the Lord doesn't love them. And the mindset of loveless religion would have us believe that God's love for us is dictated by our own actions, that it ebbs and flows depending on whether we are good enough. Jesus did abolish legalism. (But the Catholic church's notorious opposition to divorce – which comes from Jesus' teachings that marriage is a lifelong, inseparable bond – in no way says that God doesn't love divorcees.)

I know that Bethke isn't saying the [Catholic] church is the opposite of Jesus. His three examples really have happened and do happen out of self-righteousness. And nothing could be further from God's love. I am simply wary because that false implication is very easy to draw from this video.
Bethke fails to make a clear distinction between the concept of loveless religion (what he's speaking against) and the church (what it sounds like he's speaking against). The church does make mistakes, and it can get caught up in lovelessness. As Christians, it's crucial that we give our constructive criticisms from a place of love, and from within the church. We are called to be a unified family of believers, making up one body to glorify the Lord.

I hope all viewers will be discerning and not misconstrue Bethke's words as a message against the church, or more likely, a message that our own obedience or disobedience is irrelevant.

See, Catholics have this annoying tendency to be unwilling to forget or to explain away Jesus' instructions. This is one of Protestants and other non-Catholics' biggest potential pitfalls: We sometimes forget that while Jesus has already died, that He cleanses us from sin through no merit of our own, we still then have the rest of our lives to seek God and follow His Word – and we are accountable. He instructs us to bring us closer to Him, and we pursue Him through joyful obedience.

To my regular readers, I know you know this: I passionately believe in the inseparability of faith and reason, of love and action. We have a tendency to try to separate the two and decide which one's better, more complete, more important. But they cannot be separated. The loveless religion Bethke talks about happens when humans try to separate them and earn love through action.

God loves us. He loved us first, and we don't deserve it. When we accept His grace, He sets us free from the power of sin, from being "not good enough" – from loveless religion. And from our grateful love of the Lord naturally flows our course of action. Obeying His laws sets us free from sin in our life, and brings us to a closer understanding of why God created us, and a closer understanding of God Himself. We trust that His plans for us are far more magnificent than we could ever plot for ourselves. Following the commands of our perfect Father is liberating.

If anyone says they love God and have been transformed by Him, yet they don't follow His Word, that probably means they aren't actually experiencing Him or loving Him. We don't see their hearts like God does, so we don't judge them, but instead we simply love them as we seek to be joyfully obedient of our perfect father.

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:7-9

Another potential misconception that present-day churches can fall into and that Bethke's video seems to support is the idea that because Jesus said, "It is finished," because Jesus has paid for our sins, that we aren't accountable for our actions. We are. Jesus told his followers, "If you love me, keep my commands" (John 14:15). The crucial distinction – this is the distinction between Christianity and loveless religion – is our motive for following His instruction. Instead of earning righteousness, instead of being good enough for His love, we recognize that we will always fall short of His glory. He washes us clean through grace, which we cannot earn. He makes us new. But this is not the end! We are here on earth to glorify God, to do His will, to follow His path out of grateful joy and overflowing love. He is still working in our hearts. Still we struggle. But His mercies are new every morning. We fix our eyes on Him and He reveals Himself to us in new ways every day! One of the major ways He reveals Himself is through His instructions and commands, by which He leads us on the path of all that is good and pure and light and true. And because of grace, the Lord is there with us any time we fall, ready to take our hand once more and lead us toward His glory.

I know that Bethke's intended meaning is true. I just think his choice of words in a few places was unfortunately misleading. He posted this on his own facebook page: "If you are using my video to bash "the church" be careful. I was in no way intending to do that. My heart came from trying to highlight and expose legalism and hypocrisy. The Church is Jesus' bride so be careful how you speak of His wife. ... The church is His vehicle to reach a lost world. A hospital for sinners. Saying you love Jesus but hate the Church, is like a fiancé saying he loves his future bride, but hates her kids. We are all under grace. Look to Him."

I simply write this post to encourage viewers to understand that Bethke is speaking against loveless religion, not against the church and not against obedience of God's laws. Through the grace of God which we cannot earn, God makes us new creations. But His work in our hearts is not finished. We will keep our eyes on the Lord, and we will seek His will out of grateful, joyful, liberating love.

I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Philippians 3:10-14

My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord

2012-01-06T19:15:00.000-06:00

Reader, it's been a while! I'm back in Savannah now after spending the fall studying in Lacoste, France (read about it here). All I can say about the past few months is: God is good. The Lord has been unveiling so much beauty to me, showing me how wonderful and amazing the world is and what great plans He has for me.

A couple nights ago in my girls' Bible study, we considered what Jesus said to his disciples before he was crucified.
"I have said these things to you while I am still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you." (John 14:25-26) "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. When the Spirit of Truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth..." (John 16:12-13)

His disciples had been with Jesus day and night for three years straight, and still they had more to learn. God reveals Himself, the Truth, to us throughout our entire lives and into eternity. I'm so grateful to be living this life for God! He has magnificent plans for us, and when we seek Him and His will, we always find Him and His love. He has something new to show us in every situation we face.

We find Him in the little things, in the trials we face, in the days we realize how completely we need Him, in the days we realize how fully He has blessed us, in the landscapes and the sunrises, in the friends we meet when we need them most, in the feeling of home in a community of faithful believers, in the love we receive when we don't deserve it, in the love we share with others because the Lord gives us love without bounds - He is with us always, revealing Himself, the Truth. He is there to remind us when we get distracted: He loves us. He will continue working in our hearts every day.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

^{In this new year, I pray for fresh eyes to see God's work in the world around me. I'm grateful that He gives meaning and purpose to my life, and I pray He will help me live every day as a humble child of the eternal God, glorifying Him in all I do, with a heart He is making new, to praise Him always.}

Psalm 145

I will exalt you, my God the King;
   I will praise your name for ever and ever.
Every day I will praise you
   and extol your name for ever and ever.
Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
   his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation commends your works to another;
   they tell of your mighty acts.
They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
   and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They tell of the power of your awesome works—
   and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They celebrate your abundant goodness
   and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.
The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.
All your works praise you, LORD;
   your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
   and speak of your might,
so that all people may know of your mighty acts
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
   and your dominion endures through all generations.
   The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
   and faithful in all he does.
The LORD upholds all who fall
   and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
   and you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your hand
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all his ways
   and faithful in all he does.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
   to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
   he hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love him,
   but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
   Let every creature praise his holy name
   for ever and ever.

Be Strong and Take Heart

2011-09-26T14:40:00.000-05:00

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
   Your face, Lord, I will seek.
I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the Lord
   in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27: 8, 13-14

Understanding

2011-09-19T17:04:00.000-05:00

I've been fortunate to have some great discussions this summer with friendsabout theology and faith and whatnot. As a result, I feel more able toarticulate what I believe. I want to share and I hope to get some feedback.

The process of this articulation began with the contemplation of the veryreal pain and evil that exists in the world.

God did not create us to be mindless, unthinking androids. Such a worldwould have been empty.

Imagine God as a lamp. He has just created the world. It is a cardboard box.Presently this world is full of light from God the lamp shining above it. It isalso completely empty. As soon as God puts any object of substance in the box,darkness is there behind it. Substance casts shadow.
God made us with free will and intellects, so we could learn about Him andparticipate in a real love, one that we actively and freely choose. This is alove of substance.

Because our ancestors Adam and Eve chose to go against God's plan, our worldis a broken one. We are descended from a family who lives outside the Garden. Inthis broken world, not every human chooses to love God in every choice theymake. Many of these choices will result in pain. If God were to prevent thepain and not allow the consequences of free will to play out, He would takesubstance away from the world; free will would be a sham and love would be alie and so on. If evil cannot exist and be freely chosen, then love cannotexist and be freely chosen.

Now: While all this pain is not God's work, He does work in all pain. Hedoes not control the universe more than the integrity of free will allows, butHe does have a significantly more comprehensive viewpoint than we do.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those wholove him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Note that God works for our good, not for our comfort or pleasure.Vegetables are good for us, though perhaps we don't like the way they taste.Perhaps pain we experience brings us closer to God, or shows us something aboutourselves, or simply gives us an avenue to relate to someone who experiencessimilar pain. God's work in our lives is awe-inspiring, and too vast to try toput into words.

"The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
      I will advise you and watch over you.
     Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
      that needs a bit and bridle to keep itunder control.'
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
      but unfailing love surrounds those whotrust the Lord.
   So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!
      Shout for joy, all you whose hearts arepure!"
Psalm 32:8-11

The notion that God “demands obedience” is repulsive to some, but I believethat’s because it’s improperly understood. God does not demand blind,unquestioning, mindless obedience. If He did, why would He give us free will?He wants us to be aware and consciously choose to love Him. He wants us tochoose Him because that’s what we were made for, that’s what will complete usand make us eternally at peace. He knows this much better than we do.

Our souls were created to live on this earth for a time, but not foreternity. We were created to live eternally with God. “Heaven” is simply God’spure presence for eternity. Conversely, “Hell” is God’s complete absence foreternity.
Sin is defined as separation from God. It can be an action or a motive thatis inconsistent with God’s nature and His love, thus in choosing it, we areseparated from Him.

But, you might say, it was Adam who made the decision to sin, not me. It wasnot my choice to be born into this family of original sin. How can a just Godhold me accountable for a sin I did not commit? Shouldn’t we only be judged bythe things we merit ourselves? Personally, these questions seem irrelevant.There are plenty of things I did not merit. I did not merit existence. I am notresponsible for my creation. I am, however, personally responsible for manysins. I have freely and consciously separated myself from God.

The wages of sin are death (Romans 6:23). God is pure Life, so the absenceof God is death. To be separated from God (sin) means death. A human, with alltheir sin, cannot possibly live eternally in God’s presence, because if sin (bydefinition a separation from God) entered into God’s pure presence, it would nolonger be God’s pure presence and paradox would ensue.

At this point God could have abandoned us. In our state of sin, we weredying and could not live eternally with Him. If He were only just and notmercifully loving, that would have been the end. But this is where God revealsHimself to be the perfect Father, unconditionally loving. He can bedisappointed when we consciously turn away from His love and angry when we’reacting like fools, but He will always love us, pursue us, and want what’s bestfor us, – what we were made for – to be with Him. So He chose to solve theproblem. He came into the world through Jesus and served as a sacrifice to paythe wages of sin.
This sacrifice, Jesus, would have to be completely human, subjected to allthe temptations of humanity, but also completely without sin in order for hisdeath to pay for sins other than his own. To be completely without sin wouldmake him, by nature, God (an absence of separation from God). So there He is: Christ,completely man and completely God. He paid the wage of sin with his death. Thenhe rose and defeated death. Now death, separation from God, sin – no longerneed to hold humans captive.

However, because humans have free will and they can choose love or they canchoose evil or they can choose a mixture of the two, God cannot force us toaccept Jesus’ death as payment for our sins. Grace, like love, must be freelychosen. It is extended equally to all humans, but it is our choice to acceptit. (Many point to groups of people like indigenous Amazon natives orsomething, and say, “What about them? God hasn’t extended grace to themequally.” And to that I think, How can you know? Do you have a list of the waysGod reveals Himself and His grace? I think He’s bigger than that.)

I imagine God like a judge at our trial.
He reads the charges against us andnames the appropriate fine. Then, because He loves us and really wants us toreturn home to Him instead of going to jail, He steps up beside us in the body ofJesus and says, "Here. This will cover it." So God the judge looks atus and says, "Is he with you?"
This is the crucial part. We can swat Jesus' hand away and tell him,"No, I don't need your help." But the grace he offered was too steepa price for us to pay on our own. It cost the crucifixion of a sinless man. Wedon't have that to give. So we would go to jail instead of the home we weremade for.
Or we can accept this gift of grace humbly from Jesus (also Romans 6:23),knowing we could never earn it.
"Yes," we can now look confidently at the judge and say, "Heis my saviour. He's paid the wages for my sin."
"Very well, my child, you're free to go."

(Crucial distinction: this metaphorical trial of ours is not in some far-off future; it is essentially happening at every moment, because the effects of our sin or of grace sentence us immediately to a future — on earth AND after. And praise God that we don't have to wait for this court date! When we are "free to go," we go out into the world free from sin and darkness, ready to live fully in Christ.)

This, especially, is where a lot of denominational divisions appear.
Here is what I believe: God's grace working in our hearts will manifestitself in our actions.

"Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does thatmean we can go on sinning? Of course not! Don’t you realize that you become theslave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads todeath, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. ThankGod! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you wholeheartedly obey this teachingwe have given you.
When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right.And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do,things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin andhave become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness andresult in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of Godis eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 6:15-17, 20-23

Our salvation, our place in God's Light eternally, is an unearned giftthrough Christ that we can choose to accept. Still, however, from ouracceptance of grace will naturally flow a course of action. Nothing willcomplete us the way God does. Once we've experienced His love, we'll want torun toward Him with every capacity we have; we will desire His will becausewe've seen a glimpse of how perfect it is; we will never again want to separateourselves from Him by sin. All the instruction in the Bible is to help us avoidsin and live in His light. When we've felt grace working in us, we will want tofollow His instruction. We will ardently seek His will and His purpose.

This is a good place to mention a misconception about the purpose of prayer.
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires.”
Psalm 37: 4

If you truly delight in the Lord, in His will and purpose for you and forthe world – what do you think “your heart’s desires” will be? Again, God worksfor our good, not necessarily for our pleasure; He knows better than we do whatis best for us, and He wants our hearts to grow in Him.

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God islight; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship withhim and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But ifwe walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with oneanother, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from allsin.”
1 John 1:5-7

I believe God is much less concerned with our actions than He is with ourmotive for acting.

“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and allknowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love,I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body tohardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”
1 Corinthians 13:2-3

This does not mean, however, that action is unimportant. Action and motivego together.

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice reallove. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God'sreality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even whenthere is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knowsmore about us than we do ourselves." 1 John 3:18-20 The Message
"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But ifanybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, theRighteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for oursbut also for the sins of the whole world."
1 John 2:1-2

This idea about motive necessitates a delicate distinction (see 1 John 2:1-2above): Even after we have accepted Christ into our hearts and decided tofollow Him, if we sin again, that doesn’t negate His work or our love of Him.It does set us back – and prevent us from moving forward toward Him, fromexperiencing His will for us at that step in our journey – but when we openlyadmit our sin to God and repent (“repent” meaning a re-orientation; to turn awayfrom darkness and face God, whether for the first time or the seventy-times-seventhtime), our loving Father is ready to take our hand once more and say, “Let’skeep going.” And in the pain we experienced from our sin, we learn. In my life,my dark actions have instilled in me a desperate desire to run toward light,with clear reason to move out of darkness. I am grateful for the knowledgethose experiences brought to me, because I feel more able to understand why Godinstructs us and gives us laws, more able to understand myself, and more ableto understand others.

“Then I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not hide my iniquity;
I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,' and you forgave theguilt of my sin."
Psalm 32:3-5

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not inus. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us oursins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, wemake him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”
1 John 1:8-10

The distinctions of motive mustn’t only work in one direction; we mayconclude that there is something to be said for the “fake it ‘til you make it”strategy. A person may act according to Christ’s instruction before he desiresto in his heart, out of love for the Lord. If he is truly open to the truth inlove, odds are good he will realize that living God’s way is constructive in away unlike any other path.

I could write about my Lord forever. I have several other topics in mindalready that I will write about, but they will have to wait because this postis long enough.

Reader, if you have any input or want to discuss these ideas with me, justlet me know. I would love that.

Before I close, a li’l plug: I am studying in France, and if you want tofollow those adventures you can do so at: aubreyinfrance.blogspot.com.

Now: I pray that you and I both with always keep our hearts open to God’sgrace and His work in our lives, that we will be teachable and loving, and wewill know how deeply we are loved. Thanks to our Lord forever, for everything.Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21

With a Nod and an "Amen" from Me

2011-09-14T01:20:00.000-05:00

"While I kept silence, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength dried up as by the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not hide my iniquity;
I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,' and you forgave the guilt of my sin."
Psalm 32:3-5

"My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves."
1 John 3:18-20 The Message

Vulnerable

2011-09-12T18:56:00.000-05:00

Reader! It's been a little while.
I've had a lot on my mind since last post. On Thursday, I'll fly away to study in France until Thanksgiving. My time and thoughts have been mostly divided among the preparations for that, but I want to share a little of what's been on my mind and heart.

Earlier this summer, I'd been planning a post about Barnabus - "Son of Encouragement" - and about how we need someone to see the best in us. But after the Lord in His perfect timing placed this book in my hands, I realized that actually, we need someone to see the worst in us alongside the best, and to love us completely.

Unless you are a brand-spankin'-new reader of this blog, you know that I often get caught in Romans 7: "So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

And in my grandiose view of my failures and minimal view of God's love and grace, I forget what comes in the very next sentence: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:1)

It is an ongoing struggle for me to let go of my own guilt and my own mistakes. I pray that the Lord will help me fully accept what His grace means: I am known completely, loved completely, and completely forgiven for my failures. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

Previously, my solution to perfectionism was isolation. It's hard enough to accept that God knows, loves, and forgives me - but to try to find that kind of true, loving friendship in another person?
I thought I needed to get my heart completely aligned with Christ before I should invest in relationships with others. Even more than that, I was (and still am, honestly) afraid to open up completely to a friend. A real investment in another person will make me vulnerable. They will see my shortcomings. I call myself a Christian - but if I invest in another person, they will know all the ways I fail to let God work in my heart.

Through the book Safe People (along with many other gentle pushes from God's hands), I realized that part of the reason I'm here on earth is to live in fellowship with others. As believers in Christ, we're meant to be part of communities to help strengthen one another's faith. Instead of trying to align my heart with Christ by myself before investing in a community, I realize that being in a loving community of faith will help me in the journey of my heart toward Christ.
In truly loving relationships and friendships, we glimpse the love of God. We were made in His image, and when we love purely, we reflect and see Him.

"For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen."
1 John 4:20

Reader, I ask you to please pray for me.
I know that God must have a good reason for sending me to France for ten weeks when I feel so ready to return to friends and invest in a community of faith. I pray that I will be open to His work in my heart, that I will be able open my heart to others whose paths I cross, and that I may glorify God and grow closer to Him.

I will pray for you, that your relationships will help strengthen your faith, and that the Light of Christ will shine through you to all you meet.

Through Faith and Reason

2011-07-25T21:47:00.001-05:00

“My heart has heard You say, ‘Come and talk with Me.’ And my heart responds, ‘LORD, I am coming.’”
Psalm 27:8

A lot of thoughts have been on my heart lately, and most of them come down to the relationship between faith and reason. The general thinking on the two seems to be that they are not only differing ways to think and to live, but that they are irreconcilable. People of faith are unreasonable. People of faith ignore logic. People of faith are blind to rationality and truth. These are misconceptions — and hair-pullingly frustrating ones, at that.

Webster's New World Dictionary states that faith means: "1) unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence, 2) unquestioning belief in God, religious tenets, etc., 3) a religion or system of religious beliefs, 4) anything believed, 5) complete trust, confidence or reliance, 6) allegiance to some person or thing, loyalty."

Smith's Bible Dictionary states that: "Faith is the assent of the mind to the truth of God's revealed will." And it further states that, "Saving faith is an assent to the truth of revelation and an entire trust and confidence in God's character and Christ's teachings, with an unreserved surrender of the will." That definition seems to be closest to Webster’s 5). The Bible also sometimes uses the term in the sense of Webster's 3) as when Paul states, "I have kept the faith."

Note that in the secular dictionary, the first two definitions start out with the word "unquestioning." This is the sort of understanding that average Americans today have of the concept. Therefore you hear things like, "I don't know for sure, I am taking it on faith." This is very different from the Biblical concept of faith which is based on truth - it must be faith in the true God - and involves a commitment which shows itself by actions.

Hebrews 11 states: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (verse 1) Here we must also examine the meaning of the word "hope" since it has also changed into a sort of "wishful thinking" from the Biblical meaning of a confidence in things that are yet to come. We speak of the "Blessed Hope" of the Lord Jesus Christ's second coming, not because it is in doubt but because it has not yet happened.¹

Anyone with sincere love for the Lord knows that their faith is not a blindfold. We worship the Savior who made the blind to see. When He died, the curtain separating us from God was torn down the middle. With eyes wide open we can approach Him, our loving Father, pure Love, who reveals Himself to us as we seek Him with every capacity He has made in us — with our hearts and with our minds.

Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth; and God has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth—in a word, to know himself—so that, by knowing and loving God, men and women may also come to the fullness of truth about themselves.²

If Christ is the Logos, the truth, man must correspond to Him with his own logos, with his reason. To arrive at Christ, man must be on the path of truth. He must open himself to the Logos, to creative Reason, from which derives his own reason and to which his reason refers back.³

It is common to encounter the idea that science is the pinnacle of reason, and that science and faith stand against one another, and that science explains what religion does not and therefore science is true and religion is not. But just as often as I find things can be explained through science, I find things that can only be explained through faith in our true God. Science can help explain our physical world, which God created. But God is bigger than science.

In the Prologue to his Commentary on the Sentences, St. Bonaventure spoke of a double use of reason -- of a use that is irreconcilable with the nature of faith and of a use that instead belongs precisely to the nature of faith. There exists, he says, the violentia rationis, the despotism of reason, which makes itself the supreme and ultimate judge of everything. This kind of use of reason is certainly impossible in the ambit of faith. What does Bonaventure mean by this? An expression of Psalm 95:9 can show us. Here God says to his people: "In the wilderness ... your fathers tested me, and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work." Here there is reference to a double encounter with God: they "saw." This, however, was not enough for them. They put God "to the proof." They want to subject him to experiment. He is, as it were, subjected to a questioning and must submit Himself to a procedure of experimental testing.

This way of using reason has reached the culmination of its development in the modern age in the realm of the natural sciences. Experimental reason widely seems today to be the only form of rationality declared scientific. What cannot be scientifically verified or falsified falls outside the scientific ambit. With this approach, great works have been accomplished, as we know, and no would dare to seriously deny that this approach is right and necessary in the realm of knowledge of nature and of its laws. However such a use of reason has a limit: God is not an object of human experimentation. He is Subject and manifests himself only in the person to person relationship, which is part of the essence of person.

In this perspective Bonaventure refers to a second use of reason, which is valid for the ambit of the "personal," for the great questions regarding man himself. Love wants to know better the one it loves. Love, true love, does not make one blind but seeing. Part of it is a thirst for knowledge, true knowledge of the other. ...

When there is not this use of reason, then the great questions of humanity fall outside the ambit of reason and are left to irrationality. Because of this authentic theology is so important. Right faith orients reason to its openness to the divine, so that, guided by love for the truth, it can know God more closely. The initiative for this path is with God who has put in man's heart the search for his Face. Hence, part of theology, on one hand, is humility that lets itself be "touched" by God, and on the other hand, discipline that is linked to the order of reason, which preserves love from blindness and which helps to develop its strength for seeing.³

I am seeking God how I was meant to seek Him: With a heart and mind open to truth, in love, through faith and reason. I have hope, a confident assurance, that I will find my God when I seek Him with all my heart, and with all my mind.

Seek the Lord with all your heart,
in all your ways know Him,
and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

¹Ross Olsen, Faith and Reason
² John Paul II, Fides et Ratio
³Benedict XVI, Is What We Believe True or Not?

Let Faith Arise

2011-06-26T23:32:00.000-05:00

I got to be a VIP last night at Celebrate Freedom, a huge Christian music festival that Interstate Batteries helps sponsor. It was, in one word, a blessing.

As you may have gathered, dear reader, I have recently been struggling in my journey with Christ.
Even though the Lord has made me His child, my heart is still prone to wander. I know I am weak, and I feel unworthy of the name of Christ. My heart holds the love of God like a plastic cup trying to carry the ocean. I hold on to my own weaknesses and shortcomings, keeping them in front of my eyes and over my heart.

But last night, standing in a field with about 40,000 other Christians during Chris Tomlin's performance, his lyrics pierced me to my heart:

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Jesus already gave His life to take away my sin. God knows every shortcoming of my weak and wandering heart. And He forgives me. He loves me. Still He thinks I am worthwhile - He thinks I am worth the suffering and death of His son. He is making me new.

Who am I to stand against that?

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8

Who am I, after the Lord has nailed my sins to the cross, to pull them up again and place them right back between us? God has justified me through grace. Who am I to then deny Him by condemning myself?

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

Romans 8: 15

What am I doing with this plastic cup heart, trying to carry God's vast ocean of love and grace? I need to jump in and swim. I need to have faith in my Father.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I may not be strong, and I may not be worthy, but the Lord is, and He is with me. I will have faith.

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember: You are faithful, God, forever. Let faith arise.

Lisa Luby Ryan - I Am Second

2011-06-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

Lisa Luby Ryan - I Am Second

Too often I hear conversion stories with a "and then I accepted Christ and now everything is great" kind of ending. It is easy to think that once we claim Christ as our savior, we're supposed to be healed, that we will no longer have problems within ourselves. When we're really honest, we will admit that we don't always think and act the way the Lord intends us to. There is still much work to be done.

As someone who has been a Christian for quite some time now and yet continues to struggle with my sins and with myself, it is encouraging to hear that other Christians struggle too, and that other Christians find our Father God to be just as loving and healing as He was the first time they encountered Him.

Have faith. He is still working in our hearts.

Composed Thoughts Coming Soon, For Real

2011-06-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.
Lamentations 3:40

I am nearing the end of the second week of my full-time job, and I love it. God has blessed me more than I can know or say.

One of the results of being at work all day is a significant decrease in time spent focused on writing and reading and thinking. I've had many ideas and struggles to share here, but they will be slow in appearing because of my newly limited writing time.

Because I can't find a way to share my thoughts and struggles without going into extended explanations at the moment, I will instead share a few Scripture verses that I have been holding especially close to my heart recently:

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.

John 15:19

"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet." - Matthew 10:14

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Be on your guard; you will be handed over to the local councils and be flogged in the synagogues. On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10: 16-20

"Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:30-31

"Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts,God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139: 7-18

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3: 19-24

"Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the LORD: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth."

Hosea 6:3

Praise be to our Father God, for his love endures forever. In His grace is true freedom.

Turning from Lies

2011-05-22T13:22:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking more about that image I used in the last post - wandering to the shore, letting the waves rush over you, then suddenly realizing there is nothing beneath your feet and you are much further out than you thought. Even after the initial decision is made to swim back towards land, that decision must continue to be made at every moment. Every stroke must be deliberate. One cannot simply float towards God.

This struggle is thickened by the prevailing values and logic of our culture. Holding relativism up high, it tells us that there is no real Truth, and anyone who believes in a real Truth is falsely superior and/or stupid.

A vast misconception that I have been struggling against is a popular notion that Christianity is for people who don't want to think too hard, who want easy answers, who want to be handed a reason to remain complacent.
Any ardent Christ-seeking believer knows how astoundingly misconceived that is. There is comfort to be found in the Lord, but I cannot say it more succinctly than C.S. Lewis:
"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."

A large part of why I believe in the real Truth of the Lord is that His word often does not align with our culture. It is at odds with the world that holds up relativism and tells me lies like: I am valuable if my friends think so. I am beautiful if a boy thinks so. I am special because of the qualities and characteristics I have.

Lies like: I have the strength and power within myself to do anything and overcome any trial, if only I believe in myself.

Lies like: true peace and contentment comes from floating submissive in the waves, or conversely, true peace and contentment comes from complete independence - comes from yourself, from knowing yourself and doing what you know is best for you.

These statements make sense within the context of the world and current society. When they become internalized, however, they treat us the way any lie does - they might comfort us for a little while, but they inevitably leave us empty and unsatisfied.

When my swimming toward Christ becomes less deliberate, when I begin to let myself drift in the waves, I am led on by these worldly falsities. I put my sense of value and worth in places other than God: in the affections of friends, in my accomplishments and work, in my own personality aligning with what is considered "good." I rely on myself in times of struggle, and feel like a failure when I am not strong enough. I let myself believe that I know what is best for me, only to find that what I chose left me feeling worse than before.

The human heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9

I realize in ever-sharpening clarity that I do not know what is best for myself. I cannot trust in my own understanding and my own wants, which only deceive me.

"Know that your body nurtures the spirit,
helps it grow, and then gives it the wrong advice.

The body becomes, eventually, like a vest
of chainmail in peaceful years,
too hot in summer and too cold in winter."
Rumi

Perhaps this is not a common thing to be so very convinced of, but over and over it is impressed upon me that living for my own satisfaction or enjoyment is a hollow pursuit. I suppose I am in one of these moments of impression now.

So I struggle, but I continue swimming toward Christ. I continue to pursue His heart.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.

for the Lord will be at your side
and will keep your foot from being snared.

Proverbs 3: 5-7, 26

I look to the Lord my Father, the only real Light from which all Truth comes. Anything this world has to offer me outside His light will only leave me empty.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Ephesians 4:14-15

Lazarus

2011-05-21T00:39:00.001-05:00

The human heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9

Lazarus' sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”

(John 11:3-4)

When our hearts are not seeking Christ, as recently mine was not, this sickness is very real. In that time, anxiety wrapped itself around my chest daily. The world's tides easily and stealthily rush up to you, and will wash over you if you do not turn around and run towards the Lord. I did not run towards the Lord. These tides are endlessly pulling back in, and pulling you back with them. To realize suddenly that you are much further out in the ocean than you thought you were, to realize suddenly that there is nothing under your feet - it is a sick feeling. A sinking of the heart.

But it is possible still to turn back around and swim for shore. It is a struggle, but here I am swimming. And Jesus reassures me that this sickness will not end in death. I pray that this struggle will glorify God.

I have been going through some of the old notebooks I've kept, the ones that have long been filled and filed on my cardboard bookshelf. In one, I found notes from a sermon about Lazarus, whose story brings me assurance as well as conviction.
The conviction comes in the seriousness of the death which we humans by nature are in, the death we were not intended for. I feel convicted when I read how Jesus, my savior and my hope, wept because one he loved was in the grip of death.

Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

Jesus wept.

(John 11:33-35)

"We follow One who stood and wept at the grave of Lazarus... because death, the punishment of sin, is even more horrible in his eyes than ours. The nature which He had created as God, the nature which He had assumed as man, lay there before Him in its ignomony; a foul smell, food for worms. Though He was to revive it a moment later, He wept at the shame."
- C.S. Lewis

I feel shameful, but then I remember that Christ has saved me from death through grace, and I can never sing enough praises to Him! He calls me out of my tomb and sets me free.

Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”

The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

(John 11:38-44)

Jesus calls me out of my tomb, but still I am wrapped in burial cloths. Still I reek of death. Still I am a human with a weak and stony heart. And I cannot unwrap myself without help.

Jesus told the others around him to take the linen off Lazarus, who could not do it himself. Until the Father calls me home, I will be in the constant process of shedding these burial cloths. But I know that this pursuit of Christ, this acceptance of His grace - it's the only thing that will truly set me free.

Returning

2011-05-13T14:30:00.004-05:00

Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

My sacrifice, O God, isa broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart

you, God, will not despise.

Psalm 51

I have been clinging to the image of dust in the sunlight, the radiance passing through ancient windows in the empty cathedral I have internalized. I would go there just to sit there in the pew and watch the dust float through the sunlight and consider the emptiness of the pews around me and ignore the man hanging over the altar with his arms open wide. I would meditate on my longing that my footsteps would be silent as I meandered under the vast stone arches above me, meditate on my meandering heart – “prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.” Prone to leave the God I love.

The dust that floats in beams there in the internalized cathedral is otherworldly. It is not made up of dead skin or mite feces or tiny sheddings from cotton pants. It is the dust of age itself – no, of agelessness. It glows as it drifts above you, gleaming with a radiance found nowhere outside of His presence.

Through all my weakness and wandering, through the pull of worldly, false joys, through the whisperings of evil in my ear, there remained an unshakable certainty that God was ever-present, waiting for me with all love and patience, with arms open, ready for me to return to Him. Why – I asked myself even when I was acting on my foolishness – why was I wandering?

I ruminated in my sense of shame and weakness of heart. Only the Lord my Father could wash me clean and free me from my own sin, but I was ashamed to go to Him.

"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true."
Ephesians 5: 8-9

I once basked in His light, felt radiant as imaginary cathedral dust. Then something happened and I fell into dark. I was ashamed to step back into the light because it would reveal in sharp clarity the coat of dust over my heart - the dust of the world. Dead skin and things that decompose.

What caused me to accumulate such dust, ruminating in the dark? Slowly, I’m not sure when, but my active pursuit of Christ slowed until it was no longer active. I stepped off Christ, the solid rock on which I stood, and the evil undercurrent of all the world has to offer washed the sand from under my feet. It pulled my heart away from Jesus.

But no longer will I stand on the world’s shore. Returning to the heart of God will not be a mystical flip of a switch. I got turned around, but I have repented and am once more working to align myself with Christ. I know that it is a continuing journey of faith. I ask that you, reader, pray for me, for my weak and wandering heart of stone, that the Lord will “create in me a pure heart, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10).

I will pray for you as well, that the Lord will continue to work in your heart and that you will be filled with His glorious love and the power of His forgiveness.

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 11:19

distinctions

2011-03-28T19:19:00.001-05:00

A refreshing and pleasant Spring Break has come to an end, and I am now back in Savannah. One of the many pleasures of being home was brunch with my Mom and sister, from whom I am always learning, especially about God and His love.

One thing my Mom said during our conversations struck me, because I understood it in an amazingly different way than I had for a long time.

"I do not do x action because it is a sin."

Having grown up in the Church and going to Catholic schools, I thought I knew what it meant to sin. For a long time, the word's meaning was essentially "a moral 'bad' thing." I knew what is a sin - lies, hatred, idolatry, etc. - and I knew that it was not recommended, and even that its wages were death (Romans 6:23), and that the unearnable gift of grace saves us from it. But it wasn't until about a year ago that I actually understood in my heart what a sin is. Sin is a separation from God.

sin = separation from God
sin ≠ moral "bad" thing that we have been told not to do

So now:
"I do not do x action because it is a sin"
no longer means
"I do not do x action because it is a morally bad thing and I have been told not to do it,"
but actually,
"I do not do x action because it separates me from God."

Sins are things that are not consistent with God's perfect love, and so to sin creates a disconnect between our hearts and His heart. After experiencing this disconnect, and recognizing that it was the cause of so much pain and grief and sorrow, I do not want to separate myself from my Father. I want my heart to remain in His. Therefore, I do not want to sin.

Of course, being human, I fail all the time. And I will continue to fall short His perfect glory, because I sin (Romans 3:23). But now I understand in my heart why my sins earn death, and why Jesus' sacrifice pays that debt and gives me the gift of grace, the gift of eternal Life. And while I am here on earth, I want to be as close to the Lord and as immersed in His perfect love as I can be.
That is why I want to avoid sin.

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:7-9

Aubrey's Reading Corner

2011-03-12T14:53:00.000-06:00

o hai readers

I have a recommendation:

I just finished reading this book for my Fiction Writing 1 class, and I absolutely loved it. Readers of this blog will be interested because the characters' Christian heritage and faith is an integral part of the novel, but it is not genre-Christian. As a writing student, I've wondered if this were even possible. Marilynne Robinson does a masterful job.

I can't even begin to share the excerpts that left me with my hands on the side of my face, making high-pitched sounds of disbelief that this kind of beautiful, inherently Christian novel-writing could be achieved. But here I go anyway:

I might seem to be comparing something great and holy with a minor and ordinary thing, that is, love of God with mortal love. But I just don't see them as separate things at all. If we can be divinely fed with morsel and divinely blessed with a touch, then the terrible pleasure we find in a particular face can certainly instruct us in the nature of the very grandest love. I devoutly believe this to be true. I remember in those days loving God for the existence of love and being grateful to God for the existence of gratitude, right down in the depths of my misery. I realized many things I am at a loss to express. And of course those feelings become milder with time, which is a mercy.

He thought he could excuse me from my loyalty, as if it were loyalty to him, as if it were just some well-intended mistake he could correct for me, as if it were not loyalty to myself at the very least, putting the Lord to one side, so to speak, since I knew perfectly well at the time, as I had for years and years, that the Lord absolutely transcends any understanding I have of Him, which makes loyalty to Him a different thing from loyalty to whatever customs and doctrines and memories I happen to associate with Him. I know that, and I knew it then. How ignorant did he think I was?

That is how life goes --- we send our children into the wilderness. Some of them on the day they were born, it seems, for all the help we can give them. Some of them seem to be a kind of wilderness unto themselves. But there must be angels there, too, and springs of water. Even that wilderness, the very habitation of jackals, is the Lord's. I need to bear that in mind.

And of course, this being a novel means that it has plot and characters and complex relationships among those characters; it's not only Christian-minded wanderings. Truly, I hope you will read it.

Some Beautiful Prayers

2011-02-27T10:49:00.000-06:00

"I also have a Reformed Jewish prayer book that I picked up after I attended the last Yom Kippur service. It is entitled The Gates of Repentance and it is used during the High Holy Days. I was so moved by one of the prayers during the service that I went and found the book at Abebooks for just a few dollars. Here is the prayer:

We are not so arrogant as to pretend
That the trial of our lives
Does not reveal our flaws.
We know ourselves,
In this moment of prayer,
To have failed
The ones we love and the stranger,
Again and again.
We know how often
We did not bring to the surface of our lives
The hidden goodness within.
Where we have achieved, O God,
We are grateful;
Where we have failed,
We ask for forgiveness.
Remember how exposed we are
To the chances and terrors of life.
We were afraid.
We sometimes chose to fail.
And we ask:
Turn our thoughts from the hurt to its remedy.
Free us of the torments of guilt.
Forgiven, we shall then forgive others;
Failing, we shall learn to understand failure;
Renewed and encouraged, we shall strive to be like
Those who came before us: human.
Sinners sometimes, yet a blessing.

I just love that. I think that it is a prayer worth remembering, and worth praying regularly."

Thank you to my Uncle John (one of my Uncle Johns, haha).

I also want to share an excerpt from the song "Come Thou Fount." This version includes what seems to be a rarely sung verse, but it's one of the most beautiful. When I die, I want it on my headstone.

Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.
Oh that day when, freed from sinning,
I shall see thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood-washed linen,
how I'll sing thy sovereign grace!
Come my lord, no longer tarry,
take my ransom soul away.
Send thine angels now to carry
me to realms of endless days.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

I am praying for you!

Happy Saint Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T10:05:00.000-06:00

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude. Love does not seek its own way. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13: 1-7,13

Soil and the Sun: Raised in Glory

2011-02-12T20:51:00.000-06:00

All the single ladies

2011-02-08T22:18:00.000-06:00

I was reading 1 Corinthians last week and came across this passage that my mom and sister had mentioned to me before, but I'd never read myself.
Single Christians often struggle because so much direction in the Bible is aimed toward married couples. What about the single believers?

"But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust."
1 Corinthians 7:7-9

Honestly, I laughed when I read 1 Corinthians 7, because it's so unexpected for Paul to be advising the early Christians this way! I enourage you, reader, to read the entirity of this chapter. Really, it's fun.
And it's funny because it's all true - it's just such a pragmatic way to state it.

"But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage. Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible."

1 Corinthians 7:29-35

It all comes down to what just about everything in the Bible, especially the epistles, comes down to: Our purpose as Christians is to love and serve the Lord and each other. All of our decisions and actions should further our capabilities to do so.

So, all the single ladies (and gentlemen), take heart. You are single for good reason. Use it to love the Lord as He loves you!

haters gonna hate

2011-02-05T23:44:00.004-06:00

It is the most frustrating thing to me to see people who only seem to notice the Christians doing un-Christlike things. Yes, there are infinite examples of Christians being unloving, self-righteous, hypocritical, and on and on. You know why? Because they're human. Anyone can say they follow Christ - it is not up to me to decide whether or not their claim is sincere.

There are, however, also infinite examples of Christians being loving, humble, compassionate, accepting, and on and on. Believe it or not, there do exist those who sincerely follow Christ, and who work with love in His name.
Countless schools, hospitals, charities, loving communities, and individual acts of love are the result of Christians working to glorify His name.
Here are a couple examples: World Vision, St. Jude Children's Research Hospital

If you seek evil, you will find it. If you seek to condemn Christians, then you will find reason to do so. (And honestly I fail to see how that will make you any different than the Christians you are condemning.) Someone who follows Christ sincerely will already know that they are a sinner and deserve eternal death. The entire point is that because Christ was perfect and yet died, we don't get what we deserve. Because of grace, not because of anything we do, we are saved from our rightful punishment.

Christ specifically says to his followers to not judge others, but rather to be loving. (Please see the post below for specific Bible verses.)

If you seek the Lord of Love, you will find Him.
(Matthew 7:7)

I protest un-Christlike living by being as Christlike as I know how. And I do not do this perfectly - or even particularly well, I often think.
I, too, am human. All I am able to do is pray, accept the love of Christ, and treat others with that same love as best as I can.

I struggle with this frustration with the world. I have to remind myself that I must not worry about the motives of others, for I cannot know what is in their hearts. I look to the Lord for peace, so I can treat others with nothing but love.

I look to Christ for knowledge; He is the only pure source of truth and wisdom.
My place is not to see what is on the hearts of others or to try to reason with a world whose values, logic, and priorities contradict the Lord's. My place is only to seek Him so that He can help me love.

"Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority." Colossions 2:8-10

Above all, love.

2011-01-29T13:39:00.000-06:00

"He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all Truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you." John 14:17

In order for there to be a real truth, there must be real untruths. For everything worthwhile, there exists a counterfeit. I do believe that there are wrong answers. I do believe there are answers that seem right, but will not last.
I do believe that Christ is the only perfect and everlasting truth.

And I do believe humans can mix the truth with untruths, and it can lead us away from the Lord.

"Many will follow their shameful ways and will bring the way of truth into disrepute." 1 Peter 2:2

So I will not do what the world wants me to do and be uncritically accepting of all proclaimed answers. This does not mean I will not be loving, accepting, and respectful of all people.

"Now, who will want to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats. Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong." 1 Peter 3:13-17

It is frustrating to want to show everyone Christ's love, because so many accuse Christians of simply trying to judge. While Christians are not perfect, we know that we are not the judges. Only God knows what is in our hearts.

"For God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

"Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters.If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?" James 5: 11-12

A true Christian's aim is not to condemn others and tell them that they are wrong. Our aim is to show everyone love, the perfect love that Christ has shown to us. Our aim is to glorify God, to let His light shine through us. We often (very often) fail at this. We are still humans seeking the divine.

The gospel makes it clear that the core of God, the core of following Christ, is a pure and sincere love.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

Without love, being a Christian is worthless.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing."

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

When Jesus came, he did not come for the righteous. He came for the sinners (for all people). He came for those who others judged and disregarded. He came to show his unconditional love to all. And he called us to show others the love that he has shown us.

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." 1 Peter 1:22

This is what I am trying with all my heart to live:

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Philippians 3:10-14

I will trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, I want to know Him, because I know that only He will make my paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Seek Truth, and Have Faith.

2011-01-18T23:02:00.000-06:00

So, New Year's Resolution #1 is going to come with a stipulation. In order to post more often, posts may get shorter. Take, for example, this post...

Last week, I re-read C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle from The Chronicles of Narnia (cannot recommend highly enough), and am going to share part of the story I found especially poignant:

All of Narnia had been fooled. Some greedy individuals presented a false Aslan (God) and were using the Narnians' desire to do Aslan's will to essentially turn them into slaves. They painted this Aslan to be an angry, compassionless ruler. The king of Narnia finds out about this, captures the animal being presented as "Aslan," and plans to reveal to all the Narnians that they had been fooled, hoping to restore their faith in the true Aslan.
First, he reveals the truth to a group of dwarfs. To his dismay, the dwarfs' response is to have nothing to do with any Aslan at all: "We're on our own now. No more Aslan, no more Kings, no more silly stories about other worlds. The Dwarfs are for the Dwarfs."

Later, all Narnians pass through a stable, which on the inside is paradise, Aslan's country. The dwarfs, however, remain convinced that they are in a stable, in the dark.

"'Aslan,' said Lucy through her tears, 'could you - will you - do something for these poor Dwarfs?'

'Dearest,' said Aslan, 'I will show you both what I can, and what I cannot, do.' He came close to the Dwarfs and gave a low growl: low, but it set all the air shaking. But the Dwarfs said to one another, 'Hear that? That's the gang at the other end of the stable. Trying to frighten us. They do it with a machine of some kind. Don't take any notice. They won't take us in again!'

Aslan raised his head and shook his mane. Instantly a glorious feast appeared on the Dwarfs' knees: pies and tongues and pigeons and trifles and ices, and each Dwarf had a goblet of good wine in his right hand. But it wasn't much use. They began eating and drinking greedily enough, but it was clear that they couldn't taste it properly. They thought they were eating and drinking only the sort of things you might find in a stable. One said he was trying to eat hay and another said he had a bit of an old turnip and a third said he'd found a raw cabbage leaf. And they raised golden goblets of rich red wine to their lips and said 'Ugh! Fancy drinking dirty water out of a trough that a donkey's been at! Never thought we'd come to this.' But very soon every Dwarf began suspecting that every other Dwarf had found something nicer than he had, and they started grabbing and snatching, and went on to quarrelling, till in a few minutes there was a free fight and all the good food was smeared on their faces and clothes or trodden under foot.

But when at last they sat down to nurse their black eyes and their bleeding noses, they all said: 'Well, at any rate there's no Humbug here. We haven't let anyone take us in. The Dwarfs are for the Dwarfs.'

'You see,' said Aslan. 'They will not let us help them. They have chosen cunning instead of belief. Their prison is only in their own minds, yet they are in that prison; and so afraid of being taken in that they cannot be taken out. ..."

One of the most heartbreaking parts of both growing older and growing stronger in my faith is seeing refusal of loved ones to be open to God's grace. Living in grace is, literally, the most heart- and soul-completing feeling there is. And when you know His unconditional love, you want everyone else to know it too! You remember how you used to feel before you knew grace, truly knew grace, and it breaks your heart that someone you love lives in that darkness. You want so badly to show them, but their eyes are shut tight.

The point of God giving us free will is that it must be our own choice, individually, to open our eyes. Each of us must freely open our hearts to Christ. As for me, heartbreak and betrayal led me to the Truth of Christ. We cannot know where another's heart is; all we can do is show them the most Christlike love we are able, and pray.

Above all, we can and we will seek truth. Not cunning, not the love of others, not comfort, not anything else but truth.
If you follow Christ with your whole heart, then you have found undeniably that Christ is the Truth.

Grace Alone

2010-12-31T14:59:00.002-06:00

New Year’s Resolution #1: Get back into the habit of Glogging.

This long winter break from college has been wonderful, and all too necessary. With a mix of reluctance and anticipation, I prepare to return to Savannah on Tuesday to begin a new quarter. One of my favorite parts of this vacation has been having morning coffee with my Mom and big sister Haley. They both have Glogs of their own now (I’m so proud!), and we love to discuss books we’re reading, struggles we’re working through, and most of all, our gratitude for the Lord and His grace.

In 2010, I came to know the Lord’s grace like never before. I saw that it is undeniably the Truth, and I am undeniably in desperate need of it.

God’s Grace is the ultimate liberator! In accepting it, we are free! Free to be human, free from the pressure to be anything more than ourselves, free to know God’s love.

Going to a school like SCAD is hard. One of the struggles for many of its students, myself included, is a common one: the transition of a big fish from its small pond to a vast ocean. Back home, many of us SCADdies were the best in our class, known for creativity or talent. To go to a university full of other creative and talented artists is a challenge. It is difficult to go into a class and look around to see all your classmates’ amazing work and ideas.

If you do what is natural and compare yourself to your classmates, feelings of inadequacy are inevitable. As with every area of life, comparing yourself to others will always present you with those worse than you and those better than you, and leave you with little more than vanity and bitterness.

This is true of Christianity, too.

As Christians living in the world, we do our best to be Christ-like. It is not easy.

And it gets less easy when we see others who do not identify as followers of Christ living “better” lives than we are. Non-believers can be just as compassionate, loving, accepting, et cetera, as any Christians, and many times, more so.

Many will point to this disparity as reason to not follow Christ.

I say this disparity is actually reason to accept Christ, because the ONLY solution to this paradox is grace. The only answer is that our works are not what define or save us. Grace alone saves us, and it is nothing we can achieve. It is given to us from the Lord, from His unconditional love.

This year, that answer became amazingly clear to me. And I knew it was the Truth because it wasn’t actually what I wanted to hear.

I confess, trusted reader, that I want to hear that I’m better than others.

I want to hear that, yes, your heart needs work and growth because that’s what life is all about, but between you and me, your heart doesn’t need quite as much work as those hearts over there. I want to hear that I’m smarter than many, wiser than most, more mature than my peers, and closer to God than the general population of souls.

But that’s not true.

While I wanted to hear it, and by other humans I was often told it, I knew it wasn’t the Truth. The Truth is that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:23-24). All are justified by His grace alone.

No, Aubrey, you are not more special than that girl. You are no closer to God than any other broken soul. Your heart needs a lifetime of work and growth, just like everyone else’s. There is nothing that YOU have or YOU do that can save your soul. You are in the same boat as the rest of the world, and like the rest of the world, the only thing that can save you is God’s grace.

It’s not what I wanted, but it made a whole lot more sense than what I wanted. (Related but separate topic: God knows better than we do what is best for us.)

The Truth of His grace felt more real, and I knew it was true.

And now, an obligatory reflection back on the past year.

2010 has been a big year for my heart. I’ve been at my lowest, only for the Lord to pull me up to my highest.

I felt supremely lied to, only to discover the supreme Truth of Christ.

I felt rejected, and soon found an eternal home in the unconditional love and acceptance of the Lord.

I felt unable to measure up, only to learn that I was never expected to.

I felt dirty, and Christ’s sacrifice washed me clean.

I questioned my identity, to find my most fundamental identity as a child of God. No one and nothing can ever undermine my identity as a child of God.

At the beginning of 2010, I felt hopeless.

I enter 2011 full of hope: confidently oriented toward the future as promised by my faithful God.

With that, I say: Goodbye, 2010. It’s been real.

home for the holidays

2010-12-03T15:44:00.000-06:00

I am home! My first quarter at SCAD was a success.
I've been learning so much and staying so busy that I haven't posted in months. I suppose I didn't realize how much free time I'd had before becoming a SCAD student, but the past ten weeks have shoved any and all complex theological wonderings to the back of my mind, leaving room only for the fundamental beauty of Christ's love and God's grace. And thank you Lord that it is so! I had been taking the astounding truths of Christianity for granted. Even the "fundamentals" of God's word can be explored endlessly, inspiring awe with every sentence.

This morning I had coffee with my mom and my big sister, who has recently started a Glog of her own. Among the many things we talked about were book recommendations. I told them about the Gospel study series by Tim Keller, gospel in life: Grace Changes Everything. My church in Savannah was using this guide and I highly recommend it. I plan to discuss some of the amazing truths it highlights in subsequent posts, but for now I will simply share this chart, found in the book. It sums up how grace makes the truth of Christ different from any religion.

(Click to view a readable size.)

Doesn't it just make you clutch your heart in gratitude? Lord, thank you for your grace! Truly I am lost without You. This past quarter at SCAD has only made me more grateful for your work in my life.

my place

2010-09-28T16:28:00.000-05:00

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."
Philippians 3:13-14

I live in Savannah now! A new time in a new place.
I haven't posted anything in quite a while. So much has been going on, many ups and downs, that all I could do was look to God with the thought that He is my strength, He is my comfort, He is my Life, He is the Life.

One of the thoughts I've struggled with in the past few weeks is the role I play in others' lives. Sometimes, I don't like that role. I can't always give my loved ones what they want from me, and even though I try to always be sincere and caring, I cause them to hurt. When I think about the role I play to those people, I don't like myself. I feel a responsibility to keep them from pain. But I feel it's unavoidable.My dad told me, "You can't be everything to everyone." All I can do is live to please my God. He loves me unconditionally and does not expect what I cannot give. I live in His grace, and though I am sinful and broken, He will make me pure and whole.
I cannot always control my place in the lives and feelings of others, but my place with God is constant.

I've been excited for months about coming to Savannah, largely because of the prospect of fellowship with my Christian peers. I joined a local church with a Bible study for all ages as well as a student ministry, and I am encouraged to see so many people sincerely pursuing Jesus. I look forward to getting to know this community, and hopefully I will contribute to it as it does to me.

For a while, my excitement about Savannah was in the thought of finding my "place." Making new friends, finding a church home - I was going to find my place here. But now that I'm here, that doesn't seem quite right.
I realized that of course finding what I could call "my place" anywhere on earth would not be fulfilling, because I am not made for this world. I am made to be with God. And so are you.

My place is with Christ in the Lord.

"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God."
Colossians 3:1-3

I'd like to share with you the music of Mumford & Sons. They are not a Christian band by genre, but their lyrics do express some Christian sentiments. I can't express it better than my friend MJ does: "Their music is the first I've heard in a long time I think I can describe as "spiritual" and truly inspiring. It has that sublime, dreamlike feel and that sense of reaching for something higher, but nonetheless grounded in that earthly bluegrass sound. It feels like humans rather than angels touching something transcendent."
Here are some selected lyrics.

"You told me that I wouldn't find a home
Beneath the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
Yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start"
-Roll Away Your Stone

"Love that will not betray you,

dismay or enslave you,

It will set you free

Be more like the man
you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love
as it was made to be"
- Sigh No More

"How fickle my heart
and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find
any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles
on things I don't know
This weakness I feel
I must finally show

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life.

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker."
- Awake My Soul

Beautiful.

As I continue to adjust to college life, I pray for balance and clarity, and I gratefully praise God for all His inconceivable love and work in my life. I thank you, Lord, that I have a constant place in You.

To Haley & Zach

2010-08-22T20:30:00.001-05:00

My beautiful big sister, Haley, got married yesterday.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, "True love is not gazing at eachother, but rather gazing together in the same direction." Zach and Haley gaze together to the Lord.

As mentioned throughout this Glog, I went through a painful breakup earlier this year. My big sister Haley was loving, encouraging, and understanding as she stood by me. God's love shone through her.
One morning, after a particularly rough night, I woke up in my parent's bed with a note on the pillow next to me. It was from Haley. In it, she said:

"This is what love is:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. Love does not seek its own way. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And among other loving and encouraging words, Haley wrote, "One day, you will meet a man who will love you the right way, God's way."
Haley and Zach love each other God's way.
I thank the Lord for them; it is beautiful to see them actively seeking Him in every aspect of their lives. I pray that God blesses them with long, healthy, happy lives together.

I love you both, Haley & Zach!

inconceivable love

2010-07-27T14:16:00.000-05:00

Through a series of soft and wonderful knocks on the head, God has taken my focus from apologetics back to His love. He works through others to speak to me, catching me off guard and impressing upon me the fullness of His love. It's as if God brings me closer into His arms and says, "Hush, my child. I love you." I had forgotten how loving His embrace is.
I admit I find articulation to be beautiful and fascinating, and I let that fascination become a need to clarify and reason out "issues" associated with Christianity.
God is reminding me to keep my eyes on Him, not on others and not on blogs.
"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live."
Deuteronomy 4:9

The way our Father works through us to show us His hope and love is beautiful. The magnitude of His work in our hearts in amazing. His plans for us and His love for us is inconceivable. God is inconceivable - not simply in that He is amazing, but that we literally cannot conceive Him fully. Our limited human minds can't even begin to know the fullness of God's glory, His plans, His grace, His love.
To take this a step further (but not into apologetics! just linguistic clarity!), I'll share something my brother discussed with me: God is not a concept. A lot of people argue against the existence of God, and they're right, because they're arguing against the concept of God, which doesn't exist.
A concept is defined as "an idea of something formed by mentally combining all its characteristics or particulars; a construct." God is not something we can mentally construct. He is inconceivable - He is only perceivable.

Lately I've been focusing on mentally combining particulars, which was a fruitless pursuit. Instead I am now spending time reading the Bible and perceiving as much of God and His love as I can.

Again I pray the prayer for the Ephesians:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:14-21

On a side note, I'd like to share my joy for my big sister, Haley. She was baptized at her church this past Sunday:

Haley is a beautiful woman of God and I am so inspired by her passion for Christ. Her baptism was an outward expression of the work Christ has already done in her heart. Her sins died on the cross with Him, and she is washed clean, alive with Him in the resurrection!

"He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit,"

Titus 3:5

At the end of the service after her baptism, we sang "In Christ Alone." I love these lyrics and share them here to praise the Lord.

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

'Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I will stand, I will stand

All other ground is sinking sand

All other ground, all other ground

Is sinking sand, is sinking sand

So I stand

Amen.

2010-07-11T23:14:00.001-05:00

struggles

2010-07-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'm not the only person who struggles with this, so I wish it were discussed more often. Plenty is written about the need to forgive others, but I more often struggle with the need to forgive myself.When I learned that God forgives all my sins, a huge burden was lifted from my heart. In God, I have the freedom to be human. I am accepted and beloved by the Lord.

Yet, after accepting the grace of God and vowing to keep my eyes on the Lord, I still stumble. And I am disappointed in myself for the mistakes I make in weakness. The Bible assures us that God forgives us, and calls for us to forgive others, but it doesn't mention (anywhere I've seen) our own forgiveness of ourselves. Is it not relevant? Is it comparatively unimportant? Or is it just assumed that once we know we are forgiven by the Lord, our sins will not continue to haunt us?

It's not that I don't love myself when I make a mistake. It is because I love myself that I am disappointed in myself when I sin and separate myself from God.
Fortunately, as C.S. Lewis reminds us, "The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us." Even after accepting Christ's sacrifice and God's mercy, as humans we will stumble. I have faith that if I reach out my hand, God will help pull me back up so I can continue to follow Him.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses; so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Every time I recognize my own separation from God, I feel all the more strong in my passion to follow Him. I remain humble because I know my stumbles are frequent. When I seek the Lord, He will be with me, to continue making me new according to His purpose.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit."
(Psalm 51:10-12)

Lord, help me to feel peace toward my separations from You and Your will. I am forever grateful that no matter what I have done, you accept me as I am. When I seek You, You are there with me, my strength. For when I am weak, then I am strong in You.

marginal notes 1 and 2

2010-06-29T18:00:00.001-05:00

I recently came upon and fell in love with the illustrations of Ernst Haeckel, who was a supporter of Darwin, a proponent of natural selection and commonly the name associated with evolutionary theory. Haeckel was an advocate of the idea that all organisms are unified in their common ancestry (ergo, he supported evolution). While it has been a long time since I've heard anyone deny the theory of evolution in the name of religion - there's too much evidence now to deny it for any reason - I thought I'd share my thoughts on the "Evolution vs. Creation" issue. In summation: Who says the two can't coincide?

The Bible says God created the world, complete with land and sea, creatures, and humans as we know them today, in seven days. But where does it say those days were each twenty-four hours long? Is the definition of a day as lasting exactly twenty-four hours not a human convention? And are we really going to suppose ourselves sagacious enough that we can pontificate on exactly how God went about creating the world? I get the impression that religion and science are generally thought to each oppose the other. Personally, I do not understand why God's omnipotence can't include science. Does the account of creation in Genesis leave room only for a magician-esque "*poof* and now appears a man!"? That seems characteristically unlike our God of the Bible (Seems being the operative word here. I do not claim the authority to decide what is or is not characteristic of God). It makes more sense to me to imagine God slowly (He's got all the time in the world, if you'll remember) taking one molecule and, over many lifetimes, growing and changing it until there were billions, trillions of different species, all interconnected and sharing common origins.

I don't believe Christians should have to reject science on principle. Learning about science - biology in particular - makes me want to praise God, wide-eyed and full of wonderment at his inconceivable omniscience and perfect planning.
And that's what I have to say about that.

While I'm making little sidenotes, I'd like to remind my readers (not that you need reminding, I'm sure) to be discerning readers in general. Too many times I've heard someone talking about a "fact" they learned from a book or person, when come to find out, that source had no authority on the subject. Take, for example, Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code. No, I don't think we should burn it or anything extreme like that. I think it is a fine work of fiction. But it should not be taken for more than that. Ask yourself, who is the author and what is their agenda? Using our example: Dan Brown is a novelist whose agenda is to write a lucrative work of fiction. He is not a theologian. While he did do some research and some of the assertions in his book are true, should you automatically take all his statements about the Catholic church as fact? No.
By the same card, I am also not a theologian. I am a teenage student who recently became impassioned by Christ and is writing through her thoughts and explorations of Christianity. This blog is not intended to give answers. I encourage you to also be discerning about the assertions you find here.
I am not the pope; I claim fallibility!

I started to write a marginal note about evangelizing, but instead that will be a subsequent post.
Until then, I pray for all of you to have peace in the Lord's grace and strength.

Being Made New, and then staying that way

2010-06-26T00:51:00.001-05:00

Earlier this year, I had my heart broken. Through God, that became the most beautiful experience of my life, because he took my broken heart and made it new.

One poem that struck a chord with me was "The Broken Heart" by John Donne.

"...Yet nothing can to nothing fall,

Nor any place be empty quite;

Therefore I think my breast hath all

Those pieces still, though they be not unite..."

God took those broken pieces of a heart and molded them into something new. It is an important distinction - He molded them not back into the same form as before, but instead into something new.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

And that can, in a way, be sad. We may miss the past. After reading Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five, I felt a sense of peace about the passing of time. The main character, Billy Pilgrim, is abducted by aliens from the planet Tralfamadore. Tralfamadorians live in four dimensions, meaning they see all time at once: "I am a Tralfamadorian, seeing all time as you might see a stretch of the Rocky Mountains. All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is." From here to here is when so-and-so lived, then from there to there is when I experienced this, then it ended and something else began. Things are good when they are, then they lead way for something different, and that's good.

Add to that the beauty of God's plan - how he works in all things for His glory. He takes what is broken and forms it into something new. "God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds," (Psalm 147:3) but not by reforming the heart exactly as it was before. "Behold, I am making all things new." (Revelation 21:5)

Ok, now, I have an analogy. It's hokey, and overused as a metaphor, but still! It's true.

A butterfly.

(I know, I know. Bear with me!)

After spending about a month in a cocoon, imagine the caterpillar emerging, unchanged. Dumb, yes? If you're going to remain the same, why even bother making the cocoon? So it is with us. As you experience the world, with all its joys and tribulations, do you really expect to remain unchanged?

Instead - alright, I'm going to say it, keep your pitchforks down - learn from the butterfly (I'm cringing, too), who emerges from its cocoon brighter, bigger, more beautiful, with wings to fly, to inspire others and contribute to gardens' growth.

I can't believe I really just made that analogy. But it makes sense, does it not?

Realizing that God is making me new through Christ was the most beautiful experience of my life. It makes me want to sing and dance and cry and open my arms to the sky, all at the same time.

But then time keeps moving, and life keeps demanding, and that beautiful moment can easily be pushed aside. Wonderful, I'm a beautiful butterfly! But now this butterfly has homework to do, and chores to get done, and on and on.

Remembering those moments with God, those complete moments when I felt so perfectly loved, where God was the only thing on my mind, instills in me an ardent desire to never stray from God. To keep my eyes on Him and my heart in Him.

I remembered the parable of the soil.

"Behold, the sower went out to sow; as he was sowing, some seed fell beside the road, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on the rocky ground where it did not have much soil; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of soil. And after the sun had risen, it was scorched; and because it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among the thorns, and the thorns came up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. Other seeds fell into the good soil, and as they grew up and increased, they yielded a crop and produced thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold."

..."The sower sows the word. These are the ones who are beside the road where the word is sown; and when they hear, immediately Satan comes and takes away the word which has been sown in them. In a similar way these are the ones on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy; and they have no firm root in themselves, but are only temporary; then, when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately they fall away. And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. And those are the ones on whom seed was sown on the good soil; and they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold."

(Mark 4: 3-8, 15-20)

I pray every day that I am fertile soil, that I will bear fruit a hundredfold.

I have a theory about what is required to be fertile soil. I believe that if it is your most sincere desire, in the deepest core of your heart, to be fertile soil - then you are fertile soil.

That theory, like any good scientific theory, has implications for other issues as well.

If you are unsure of what God wants from you, of what you need to do to follow Him as He intends - and if you want, with complete sincerity of heart, to follow Him as He intends, then that is what God wants from you. Because from your sincere desire will naturally flow a course of action. You will then do your best to learn God's word, and do everything in your power to follow It. If you are seeking His will with complete sincerity, then you will not seek justifications, or easy ways around difficult decisions.

Thus, this Glog's namesake: Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways know Him, and He will make your paths straight."

And that connects with another issue I'd had when I was younger. I was told that God wants us to praise Him. I remember thinking that sounded vain and rather un-God-like. And now, I often hear that about all the rules and laws in the Bible. But to me it makes sense when I make the distinction that when we love and seek God with sincerity, we will want to praise Him. When we experience life outside of God's laws and then within them, we will sincerely want to follow God's word. Mindless obedience is not what God is asking for. When we truly seek to be close to God, however, "obedience" (more accurately stated as a willingness to trust His wisdom in our actions) will naturally follow.

Living like Christ and following God's word is not to be a burden, though it will be difficult. A Christian life is the Life we choose because we have experienced God's grace, and desire with complete sincerity to be close to Him in every way we can.

Lord, I praise you with my whole heart, with gratitude for your grace, for making me new in Christ. Help keep my eyes on You, and live as You have planned for me. This is my sincere will - my will is Your will.

questions on lifestyle

2010-06-20T01:15:00.001-05:00

As mentioned in previous posts, one of the things I struggle with most as a Christian is the call to leave behind material possessions to follow Christ. If taken literally, this means a Mother-Teresa-like faith in God to provide for our needs. To me, the thought of giving away all my possessions seems irresponsible. Not simply in the context of society, but to God as well. You may have heard the joke about the man sitting on his roof during a flood. A helicopter flew above and let down a rope to save him. "No, no," he said, "my God will save me." Later, another helicopter tried to save him. Again he said, "no, thanks. My God will save me." Then a boat came by to save him. "No; my God will save me." The man died in the flood. He asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I sent two helicopters and a boat; what more did you want?!"

Personally, I feel like I live in luxury. I have my own room in an air-conditioned, clean, stable house; I have multiple pairs of shoes; I have all the clothing and coats I need; I have never been starving; and on and on. The idea of giving all that away and then expecting God to continue to provide for me seems disrespectful, and honestly, kind of dumb. I admit, however, that most of what I own are not necessities - I enjoy dressing with style, I am fond of my many shelves of books, I own art supplies. (On a relevant topic: Is art school a pursuit of pure luxury? I mean, by biblical standards, it seems so.)

So I took another look at the main Bible passage where this call to give up our material possessions is articulated:

"And, behold, one came and said unto him, 'Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?'

And he said unto him, 'Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.' He saith unto him, 'Which?' Jesus said, 'Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.'

The young man saith unto him, 'All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?' Jesus said unto him, 'If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.' But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions."

(Matthew 19:16-22)

So, a wealthy, young man came to Jesus and asked what he could do to have eternal life. First, Jesus told him that if he truly desired to be closer to God, he would keep His commandments (that is, obedience naturally flowing from a sincere desire to know the Lord, which I will discuss in my next post). When the young man said he already did that, Jesus took it a step further and told him to give up his possessions to follow Him.
Now, we know that when Jesus looked upon this wealthy, young man, He knew exactly what was in his heart - as He does with each of us. Jesus could see that the man's love for his possessions interfered with his love for God.

So, can this distinction (that Jesus was indeed speaking to an individual) preclude generalization? Or since Jesus told the wealthy young man to give away his possessions, does that mean that every Christian should give away their possessions? In researching others' answers to this question, I came upon a theory that this message was simply to avoid devotion or preoccupation with our possessions. Wealth or any amount of material possessions are fine, goes the theory, so long as they do not take the place of God. "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and money." (Matthew 6:24)

While this makes a lot of sense -- I am reminded of Matthew 5:30, "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away." And if your money causes you to sin, give it away. Simple as a fill-in-the-blank. -- I am also hesitant because I feel like this theory can be (and often is) used as justification of a comfortable lifestyle. People say, it's fine to have money; the more you then can donate and serve others with, right? If you call them "resources" instead of "possessions," it's a good thing. And I suppose that could be true, if meant with complete sincerity. But I feel it rarely is.
And it would be easy to say, "I am so grateful for my material possessions, but they don't come before God," then continue living in luxury. I am hesitant, however, of any answer that seems easy, and leads to a life essentially the same as before.
So what is the alternative? Are all Christians called to live in or near poverty?

I have read about Christians who leave behind all their material possessions for a life of missionary work. This is a literal interpretation of Matthew 19:16-22. But should this passage be taken literally for all Christians? There is also a great deal of figurative language in the Bible. So where do we draw the line between literal and figurative?

We are to model ourselves after Christ, but what exactly does that entail? Taking on His lifestyle - traveling essentially in poverty to preach the Good News? We were all made with different talents and characteristics. Can each of our lives as Christians vary from missionary work to a career in business?
"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." (Romans 12:6-8)

I suppose, then, that the question changes from "Do I live in relative wealth or give all that up?" to "How do I live in a way that I glorify God in the best way I can?"
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive and inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (Colossians 3:23-24)

In just a few months, I'll be heading to Savannah to study Photography and Writing. Could an education in the arts be a Christian pursuit? I am in love with the articulation of ideas and emotions, verbally and visually. Can mastery of this art bring glory to God? Can I be a Christian - a real Christian, not a seeker of justifications - and yet be an artist instead of a missionary? Or how about both?

When I had what I guess could be called my "awakening" to God this year, it was art that brought me to Him. It was the work of fellow humans, articulating so well what to me felt like a sunken, shattered mess of a heart, that opened my eyes to my need for God's grace. The artful articulation of emotion and common experiences is what lifted my chin, moving my gaze from my heart on the floor to the outstretched hand of Christ in front of me. I desire, so ardently, to be part of that gaze-lifting force for others.

Lord, You know that I want with my whole heart to follow You. You took the pieces of my broken heart and molded it into something new, part of something bigger than myself. I pray that I can glorify You, and I believe I can do that through art. I trust that when I give my whole heart to You, to following You, that You will lead me closer to You. Please help me keep my gaze on You above all else.

John the Baptist and identity

2010-06-01T02:20:00.000-05:00

I recently began reading Beth Moore's The Beloved Disciple: Following John to the Heart of Jesus, which explores the apostle John's life in Christ, and what we can learn from it. She begins with a different John, however. In the first chapter, she discusses John the Baptist. Like with too many other people in the Bible, I had never given much thought to him. What Moore points out is a refreshing and simple message about our identity in Christ.

When John the Baptist was asked the question, "Who are you?" he answered:

"I am a voice of one crying in the wilderness, 'make straight the way of the Lord.' I baptize in water, but among you stands One whom you do not know. It is He who comes after me, the thong of whose sandal I am not worthy to untie."

(John 1: 23, 26-27)

Moore states, "He understood the greatness of Christ and how unworthy he was in comparison, but he didn't give himself the value of an inchworm under a rock."
John didn't reply, 'Well, I have natural leadership abilities, and I am a great speaker, so God chose me to do this job of getting everyone ready for the Messiah.' The credit was not due to John's merits. He knew his purpose was for God, who created him with a plan. "His life had value through its connection to the Messiah" (Moore).

How liberating! How beautiful!
God has created each of us according to His perfect plan. He made us a perfect fit for our specific purpose. Our lives have value through our connection to the Messiah.
"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit."
(Ephesians 1:11-13)

Moore describes a common experience of identity: "As a young person, I swung dizzily between feelings of 'I am a victim and I'm not as good as anybody else' to 'I'm no one's victim and I'm going to be better than everyone else.' ...What finally got me off the swing? Learning to see myself in relationship to Jesus Christ."

This year, I've experienced both ends of the spectrum. I had previously put my trust and devotion completely in another person, and when that person rejected me, I felt worthless. I felt so helpless in my inability to be "good enough" for this person. Then not long thereafter, I was put in an opposite position. I felt that another person's validation and emotional well-being hinged solely upon me. I felt tremendous pressure, and tremendous responsibility for this person's emotions and spiritual life. I tried to remind this person that I was only human, and could not be their savior or their means to salvation. They responded, "Yeah, well, you sure do help." I felt guilted into playing a role I was not meant to play - not able to play. When I finally ended that unhealthy relationship, I felt I was letting this other person down by not being who they wanted me to be.

John the Baptist easily could have let others believe him to be their savior. He didn't. He said, "I am a voice of one crying in the wilderness, 'make straight the way of the Lord.'" Perhaps God puts us in others' paths to be a voice in their wilderness, helping them prepare the way of the Lord. But the responsibility of others' personal salvation is not ours.
Instead of letting others down by declining responsibility for their spiritual needs, we ask them to let us down off the man-made pedastals, which so often and so easily topple.

John the Baptist is an outstanding example of knowing our identity in Christ. We were created, every characteristic, talent, and flaw, according to God's plan. We have value and purpose in Him. But we are not expected to be anything more than ourselves.
Thank you, Lord! I will follow You with everything I am - everything You made me to be.

some thoughts and prayers

2010-05-24T21:51:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was Pentecost Sunday, when the Holy Spirit came to the disciples of Christ so that they could spread the good news of His love and salvation. As I was reading Acts, one passage in particular caught my attention:
"Now when they heard this, they were pierced to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, 'Brethren, what shall we do?' Peter said to them, 'Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
Acts 2:37-38

One of the words that stands out to me is "Repent."
I tried to find a decisive, original meaning of the word, but there are many conflicting explanations. My dad told me once that to "repent" was to "re-orient" ourselves in the direction of God - to turn our backs to our former sin and align ourselves with Christ. One source mentioned the word "repent" as a Roman military command to about-face. As Christians, we do a metaphorical about-face from darkness of sin to light of Christ.

It's interesting, and kind of sad, how certain phrases associated with Christianity are turn-offs for so many people. You can be having a great conversation, but when the other person realizes you are in a real relationship with Christ, suddenly your contributions are no longer valid. There's that, "Oh." And they stop taking you seriously.

I remember when I was younger, being told that as Christians we are often persecuted for our faith. I thought to myself, "yeah, maybe back then, but this is America in the 21st century! We have freedom of religion!" Now I realize how mistaken I was!
Sometimes I find myself censoring my words, avoiding those taboo phrases. "Repent" is one of those words. It's been abused, I think, and it's come to be associated with human-to-human judgment and condemnations.

Instead of censoring my words to avoid society's negative connotations, I'd like to reclaim those phrases and learn to use them properly. Like Harry Potter using Voldemort's name, the notion of striking out certain phrases from my vocabulary just because they've been misused in the past kind of upsets me.

This is something that used to really worry me about going to college next year. I was afraid I would have to censor myself, and moreover, hide part of myself in order to have friends. It's not that I can't have a conversation about anything other than God's love, but it is one of my favorite things to talk about (obviously). I've heard many of my peers say things to the affect of, "Yeah I'm a Christian, but don't worry - it doesn't really affect how I live my life. We can still be friends." I do not do not do not want to ever think or feel that way. Yet as it were, I was scared that if I didn't have that attitude, I would either be friendless or surrounded by friends who I couldn't fully open up to.

I feared rejection.
I remember being told once that "God knows how you feel." It's easy to dismiss that notion as unimportant; sure, God is omniscient and knows all. Got it. But recently it really became clear to me (with the help of June Hunt's Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes - highly recommended): Seriously. He knows exactly how you feel. He experienced it himself.

Jesus experienced temptation, and he experienced rejection. "He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him." (John 1:11). He experienced ridicule; He experienced betrayal. But that was not the end. One of the beauties of Christianity is the knowledge that this is not the end.

After the Pentecost, Peter went on to say, "He is the stone with was rejected by you, the builders - but which became the chief corner stone." (Acts 4:11). God takes the rejected, the downtrodden, the broken, the mourning - the sinners - He accepts them, loves them, and uses them to His glory.
Lord, I am so grateful for Your unconditional acceptance and love. I pray that I may always be used for Your glory.

Thankfully, I've already met some future classmates who share the ardent desire to know Christ in their hearts. I am so excited to grow in my faith as well as my artistry next year in Savannah! I can't wait "to be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine." (Romans 1:12).
May the Holy Spirit work in me and in others for the glory of God, just as it worked in the apostles on Pentecost - "to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved." (Ephesians 1:6).

a fellow human responds

2010-05-16T18:31:00.001-05:00

Having just finished a semester including Psychology and Philosophy classes, I've been reflecting on some of the arguments against Christianity.

One that is most serious is hypocrisy of Christians. Many choose not to be Christian or not to contribute to a Christian community because, they say, the church is full of hypocrites. The truth is that the church is full of humans.

At best, the Church is full of humans in pursuit of the divine.
Romans 3:23 reminds us that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Let us praise God for His saving grace! If all church members were free of sin, there would be no point in being church members at all.

I agree it is frustrating when people pontificate on who is a sinner and whether or not others are going to Heaven. I believe they have missed the point. But we miss the point as well if we allow such people to affect our view of God. You can't judge God by his human followers. That's like deciding you don't like The Beatles because you meet some obnoxious Beatles fans. Obnoxious fans don't affect the quality of The Beatles' music.

That being said, humanity is no excuse to live in sin. While we recognize our fallibility and our need for grace, we are to model ourselves after Christ. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?" (Romans 6:1-2)

We are human and we stumble, but as Christians we follow the Lord.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God." (Ephesians 2:8)

Here are some other important questions and my thoughts about them.

How can God be called loving if He allows so much pain to occur?

Through faith.

And also because of free will.

As Christians, we have faith that God's plan exceeds our understanding. God is working always in our world. Sometimes quietly and subtly, sometimes with resounding power. As humans, we are limited in our view of the world. My Philosophy professor this semester used the analogy of a huge mural. Standing with your nose an inch away from the wall, you may not think the painting all that pretty. But step back and it may take your breath away.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Romans 8:18

Now, think - How could God be called loving if He did not allow pain to occur?
The most loving thing a parent can do is equip his child as best he can with the lessons and love he can give, and then step back and allow his child to make decisions and mistakes for itself.
We have free will, and our actions have consequences. While God does not prevent pain, He does work in pain according to His perfect plan.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

The pain exists because of human free will (beginning with Adam and Eve).
As Christians, we have faith that God works in pain according to His purpose.

How can His love be called unconditional and perfect while He sends non-Christians to hell?

I don't believe Heaven or hell changes God's love. By that I mean, whether we are in God's pure presence for eternity (what I believe Heaven to be) or God's pure absence for eternity (what I believe hell to be), God loves us, regardless.
God is just, and He is fair. If he weren't, there would be no consequences. Without consequences, what point would there be in free will?
In the past few months especially I have realized that God is our perfect, loving Father in many ways. In relation to the above question,

1. God knows what is best for us.
2. God wants what is best for us.
3. God gives us the resources (namely, the Bible) to learn what is best for us.
4. God gave us the free will to choose or to not choose what is best for us.

God loves every person, and He reaches out to every person with the gift of grace. Being that we have free will, however, we have the power to reject His gift, to reject salvation through Christ. I don't believe God chooses who is going to Heaven and who is not. He chooses everyone to go to Heaven. It is us that may reject God.

That being said, I also believe it is not our place as humans to decide who must be going to Heaven and who must be going to hell. We cannot know exactly what God sees in someone's heart.

"...for the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
1 Samuel 16:7

And that's what I have to say about that.

Speaking of questions - Here's a little gem from C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, "Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."

our real need for God

2010-05-12T23:36:00.000-05:00

Recently someone I care about told me that my Christianity is merely a defense, and isn't real. A bold assertion. I've heard this sort of reasoning against Christianity before - for example, some say that in the Middle Ages, Christians only believed in God because they had nothing else to hope for. Personally, I don't understand how that premise can be used to conclude that Christianity is a sham - how does human need contradict God's power to fill that need? That's like saying water is an illusion; people only believe in it because they are thirsty.
Yes, a painful experience shoved me to my knees, and I looked up to find I was kneeling at Christ's feet. I knew I had a void in my heart, and I had been trying to fill it with the devotion and loyalty of other humans. But humans let you down eventually. God fills the void in our hearts completely and eternally.

Does the perfect, heart-filling, soul-completing nature of Christ preclude the reality of Christianity? No. I suppose it can seem that because we fit with Christ so perfectly, God is a man-made solution to existing human need. In actuality, God's perfection existed before humans did. He created us to be with Him, but free will gives us the opportunity to separate ourselves from Him through sin. Because we were created to be with Him, however, our souls will never be complete without Him. Pain is one of those things that can make us acutely aware that our souls are yet incomplete.

My excellent cousin Sean shared this essay with me, found here. One of the topics it covers is the three days before Jesus rose from the dead, and the experience of seeing the empty tomb. Most of us don't give it much thought (I didn't, at least), but it fits perfectly. God works in all situations, and He works in our pain. For Jesus' followers, the empty tomb turned out to be something beautiful: "a negative experience was necessary, which hollows out in them an intense desire to discover Jesus again."

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.... It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit."
Ephesians 1:4-13 in The Message Translation

doing my best, really.

2010-05-10T00:39:00.000-05:00

Along with the death of the worldly nature of Aubrey comes the death of some worldly relationships. How does one reconcile the necessary end of a friendship/relationship with the necessity of forgiveness? Does God "forgive and forget"? If so, then should human forgiveness mirror His forgiveness? My understanding of forgiveness is that it is not excusing the actions that brought pain, but rather separating the actions from the person, and continuing to love the person while learning from the painful experience, then leaving it in the past. Is forgiveness contradicted when our relationship with the forgiven changes?

I've shown a pattern over the past few years. When I feel that I am being asked to compromise myself for a friendship, I separate myself from that friend. All I can do is align myself with Christ, then not allow myself to be compromised. "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" (Luke 9:25 - I may be taking that entirely out of context. Or I may be taking that partially out of context. Not sure.)

I suppose what I'm really trying to get at here is:
Is it possible to truly forgive your friend while ending the friendship?

While I pray for the power to truly forgive, I offer this prayer that my mom shared with me. (Sidenote: I love you, Mom.)
God has given us the power
To create beauty
To make another smile
To be a healing presence in someone's sorrow
To bring justice to the oppressed
To console those in difficulty
To bring peace and joy to others
To help those in need
To laugh and enjoy life
To do good and turn from evil
To forgive those who have hurt us
And, most of all, to love.
Let us pray that God will continue
to grace us with His love and mercy
and to spread that love to others during our journey.

literature and whatnot, pt. I

2010-05-05T22:48:00.001-05:00

Characteristically Aubrey, literature has played a large role in my exploration of the Truth of Christ. I'd like to mention a few books.

Aside from the Bible itself (Paul's epistles <3 ), I was also lead into the light with the help of Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes by June Hunt. My friend, the wise angel Kristy, gave me the book as a gift. It is a devotional guide, really, with a few Bible verses each day exploring different aspects of our identity in Christ and why it is important. It can seem hokey at first, but it is so full of beautiful Truth that all literary criticism or hokiness can be disregarded. It's an excellent starting point to explore your new life in Christ.

I also gained a lot of insight from dear C.S. Lewis. A Grief Observed, while not 100% relevant to my experiences these past six months (since he's discussing the death of his wife), still contains a great many parallels for any kind of grief. Short of typing out the whole book here, I can't share all my favorite excerpts. Here is one that really made me want to praise Jesus:

And then one babbles - 'If only I could bear it, or the worst of it, or any of it, instead of her.' But one can't tell how serious that bid is, for nothing is staked on it. If it suddenly became a real possibility, then, for the first time, we should discover how seriously we had meant it. But is it ever allowed?

It was allowed to One, we are told, and I find I can now believe again, that He has done vicariously whatever can be so done. He replies to our babble, 'You cannot and you dare not. I could and I dared.'

Thank you, Jesus!
The love of Christ is overwhelming - heart-filling.
Grief, or any other negative experience, makes us acutely aware of the voids in our hearts. God fills this void completely and eternally.

This is one of my favorite Bible passages, a prayer that I say for everyone I know: A Prayer for the Ephesians.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpesses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:14-21

exploration

2010-05-04T22:50:00.000-05:00

I've grown up with strong Christian influences surrounding me. My dad is a Methodist, my mom, Catholic. They are both strong examples of Christians after which I model myself.
I went to Catholic school my whole life until my junior year of high school; I went to nine summers of Camp Ozark, a Christian youth camp; I went to the Methodist church every Sunday; I was baptized both Catholic and Methodist, received First Communion in the Catholic church in second grade, and was confirmed Methodist in sixth grade.

When the time came in eight grade that all my classmates (myself included) were preparing to be confirmed Catholic, something didn't feel right to me. I questioned the Truth of Christianity. How could I know if it was the Truth if it was all I'd ever known? I declined to be confirmed Catholic because I knew I wasn't ready.

I spent the next three years apathetic towards Christianity. I was content to live my life without considering God - in fact, I tried to separate myself from the Christian ideals with which I had been brought up. I resented my Christian upbringing, because even though I then identified myself as agnostic, I had an unshakable certainty that God was there, just waiting for me to open up to Him. And I resented that certainty. How could I know if I truly believed it or if I believed it because I had never known anything else?

I assumed in some vague future, maybe after college, I would have things figured out; I would know what religion, if any, was "best for me" - as if I would go religion-shopping and pick the one that lined up best with my philosophies. Obviously, things didn't work that way (thank God!).

As described in previous posts, I was confronted with the amazing Truth and gratefully accepted it. It was nothing I hadn't known before, but I hadn't known it like I do now. I had understood the logic of Christianity from an early age (thanks to Camp Ozark, mostly). But now my understanding goes beyond logic. Now I know the Truth with my whole heart.
This doesn't mean I now have things "figured out" like I had previously assumed I would need to do before I could commit to Christianity. That's one of the most beautiful aspects of faith. I've given up control to God, because I recognize He's the one who had control all along. I tried creating my own philosophies and lifestyle based on my own human reasoning, and let me tell you, it doesn't work.
I am not my own source of strength. I live for something bigger than myself. With joy I rely on the Lord, not on my own limited understanding.

Recently I returned to my earlier dilemma. What if I hadn't been taught Christianity at such an early age? Would I still feel so strongly about it? And then I was confronted by an even bigger question: Does that even matter?

True, I was given a strong Christian foundation at an early age. I am so, so grateful for that. So if I hadn't been brought up Christian, would I still be Christian? Maybe. Maybe not. But who cares? The reality is that I was brought up Christian. "What ifs" don't matter.

So now, I have been exploring a different "dilemma," if you will. As Christians, we are called to give up the things of this world and follow Christ. What exactly does that mean? I'm planning to go to college next year. Is education a thing of this world to be given up to follow Christ? If not, then is the call to "give up the things of this world" purely figurative? I mean, I am currently part of this world. God created me, and He created this world. He works in this world. Am I simply supposed to give up worldly attachments and reliances, but not necessarily all worldly pursuits? Does "following Christ" look different for every person? We are all unique, and God has plans for us all. Can "following Christ" be hermitage for some, mission for others, and careers for others still?

I will continue to explore God's will for me. While I do not have everything figured out, I am grateful for the knowledge that God loves me. Of this I am certain.

Sunday

2010-05-03T00:44:00.000-05:00

Sunday mornings make me love life all the more.

I am so grateful for all I have been blessed with. I don't know where I would be without the love, support, and guidance of my family and true friends. When people I cared about let me down, and I felt like my world was crumbling around me, my family was there to show me the unfailing and unconditional love of God.

I received a Bible in seventh grade, and inside the front cover was written, "As you begin to face the difficult issues that the next few years will present, use this Bible as your source for wisdom. Its Truth will never let you down. Proverbs 3:5-6"
And for years that Bible sat under my bed, collecting dust. Then as I learned a lot of difficult lessons in my life (mostly within the past six months), I realized what I was "learning" was what I had known all along. The only way I can describe it is that what I once knew in my head, I now know in my heart. That Bible is the most beautiful book I have ever read.

I want to follow the Lord. Somehow I only realized this year that all the warnings in the Bible against sin - there's a reason for that. Only after the effects of my sin left me heartbroken did I realize, "Oh, so that's why __ is a deadly sin. Got it. Really wish I could have not learned that the hard way." Sin is a separation from God, and the pain of that separation is heartbreaking. Praise God that I have been forgiven for my sins, and Jesus' sacrifice brings me back from sin, to be close to God!
I am still grateful for all my experiences, because I know that all of this is part of His plan for me. Already the lessons I've learned from my mistakes have instilled in me a passionate desire to seek the Lord. The pain of sin opened my heart to the saving grace of Christ.

I am eager to continue growing in the Lord. I have a lot of questions that I am excited to explore. Most urgently: I am called to leave the things of this world behind and follow Christ. What does that mean for my life? How literal is that calling?
Tomorrow evening I am going to see a film called "Beware of Christians," directed by Will Bakke, a former counselor at a Christian summer camp I attended for many years. The film will explore that very question in current life. I'm excited :]

Starting over.

2010-05-01T21:14:00.000-05:00

This year, God has worked so strongly in my life and in my heart - or rather, this year, I realized how strongly God has worked in my life and in my heart throughout my entire life. I want to share the peace and joy and truth of the Lord.

This year, I went through a lot of heartache and emotional struggle. Yet I am grateful for this pain because I have learned so much from it.
"Nothing less will shake a man – or at any rate a man like me – out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself."
(I highly recommend C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed.)

This year, the fears I used to have about being replaced, being abandoned, being deceived - they came true. No matter how anyone tried to reassure me, or I tried to reassure myself, that those fears hadn't come true, I had to face reality. And the reality is, humans are human. They will let you down. But God will not. God will not replace me; God will not abandon me; God will only give me the truth. Now, I put all my trust and devotion in the Lord.

This year, I have discovered the amazing truth of the Bible.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways know Him, and He will make your paths stright." Proverbs 3:5-6
I have made the decision to know the Lord in all I do.

This year, the old Aubrey died. My new life is in Christ, and this new life is so much more beautiful.
"For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God."
Colossians 3: 3
"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true."
Ephesians 5: 8-9

This year, the House of Man, in which my heart once resided, crumbled down around me. Now, I am the Lord's child, and I live in His House. It is the only house that will last forever.
"If we've left the country where sin is sovereign, how can we still live in our old house there? Or didn't you realize we packed up and left there for good? That is what happened in baptism. When we went under the water, we left the old country of sin behind; when we came up out of the water, we entered into the new country of grace—a new life in a new land! ... Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin's every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ's sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. ... You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did."
Romans 6: 2-3, 6-11 (in "The Message" Translation - it's a fresh take on the message of the Bible; I recommend giving it a read.)

As before I was overwhelmed by deception, betrayal, and heartbreak, I am now overwhelmed with the beautiful grace of God.
"But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me."
1 Corinthians 15: 10